Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
You Might Also Like
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Made something I’m not proud of
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!