Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
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Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.