Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
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[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
My favorite female superhero
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.