Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
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*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*