DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
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I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Stop correcting my vodkabulary