DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
You Might Also Like
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch