Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
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Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”