tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
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“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms