[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
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SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
why would tinder want me to say this
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.