My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
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I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
sensitive skin
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.