DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
You Might Also Like
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily