Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
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Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.