Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
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With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.