Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
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Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Weirdos gonna weird.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Name this drama.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Bread puns are on the rise!
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.