I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
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Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those