Most fashion shows these days…
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I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.