Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
CRYING
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*