Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.