Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
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My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Whoa 😂
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Many hands make light work
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.