Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
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Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
wtf is an acronym
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.