I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
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*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
the battle rages on
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?