Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
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The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Hilarious if literal: arms race
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD