He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
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to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”