date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
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You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…