date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
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me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Basically.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed