DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
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WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Sign at work today
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now