Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
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X-tra spooky blend
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
🤣😈🤣
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅