*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
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I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*