*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
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I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.