date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
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the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
don’t we all
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Classic German Shepherd 😂