Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
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So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses