Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
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I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Good morning.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.