Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
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[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Actually cracking up @ this
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!