DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
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My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Always the camel, never the toe.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!