Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
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Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Holy crap this is wonderful
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.