[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
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Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
ugh not again
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.