Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
You Might Also Like
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?