Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
You Might Also Like
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.