[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
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I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…