[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
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You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.