[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
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All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
When they try to steal your moment.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad