[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
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Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
The Backseat Boys
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”