[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
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Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”