[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
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If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Today’s Times
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.