[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
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I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.