I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
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“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight