[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
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Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies