[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
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Sorry. Not sorry
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Who chose this font
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?