If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
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It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
next level snooze
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.