the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
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*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”